Anger

There is anger, a lot of it. Will become aware of it only after it surfaces. Anything can trigger it. A word, a gesture, a thought, a situation. As though It is just below the surface, not too deep, for it shoots out, almost instantaneously. Even the rising of it is not noticed. It is swift, it is loaded, it is automatic. It possesses the whole being. Every aspect of my being is engaged in it. The face, the tone, the words and gestures, thoughts and emotions - all these are symptoms of it. The cause of it is not known, not completely known, not clear. When it subsides, it goes back to wherever it came from; it leaves me spent, troubled, sometimes remorseful and agitated. 

It is energy that emerges with a force that overcomes, that overpowers, that overtakes. It seems to have a will of its own, a self of its own, an agenda of its own, an entity by itself, an identity that is the defining part of me, that is who I am, a part of me that characterizes me. Lies dormant, biding its time, springs suddenly, unbeknown to me, it becomes me. I don't even know that I am angry until it has come and gone. I remember my reaction and then I recognize it and recall the label attached to it. That is when I realize that I had been angry. Anger is the label that I associate with the feeling that I express. Much like a google search bar, there is lookup mechanism that returns the name, given the feeling. A reverse lookup. 

How much of it is buried down there and I do not know. I don't even know if it can be quantified, measured. No matter how much of it comes out, there is more of it down there. Down where? Is it in the body somewhere? Is it in the memory? Is it in the brain cells? Or every cell? Is it part of the mind? Is it in the consciousness? Maybe that part of my consciousness that is not known to me? Hidden from me? An area of darkness in the mind where a thing like anger resides, draws strength from godknowswhere, sustains somehow, feeds on what? Everyone seems to have it, though it expresses itself differently. 

It is there in my consciousness, yet I am not conscious of it. I become aware of it only after it has emerged from its cocoon, from its hiding place. Is it a place really? Where in consciousness is it? Is consciousness a place to hold things? What are the many things that it holds? With what other things does anger share the consciousness? Is consciousness other than me? Is it something that is inside me? Or, is consciousness the same as me? I, me and such terms refer only to the consciousness that is part of this being, this body, this brain, this mind? 

Consciousness is the content, says JK. Then anger is part of that content. But content implies a container, says his scientist friend. But he denies there is a container. Every cell holds memories, says the scientist of today. Then consciousness is part of every cell. Since the genes are what make up the cell, then the content is genetic material. Cell is the container of this matter. 

Nothing short of a genetic mutation can alter the content held by the cells. JK often spoke of mutation in the brain cells. He was probably referring to this revolutionary change in the very cellular structure of the body. And he says it is possible through awareness. There is no need for medical intervention, chemical inducement or psychedelic alteration. Since to be aware means to be conscious of, it comes back to the question of becoming aware of all areas of consciousness. Leave no part uncharted, unexplored, no dark areas, no grottos and caverns, no places hidden. This I think JK says is meditation. To unravel oneself in a way that leaves no stone in our consciousness unturned. 

Why does awareness change what it is aware of? JK says like the dual nature of electron as expounded by Heisenberg's principle, the observed undergoes change whenever there is an observation of it. The observation he maintains must be devoid of the observer, since the observer is observing himself - attention directed towards itself. There is observation only when there is neither the observer nor the observed.